Friday, 3 May 2013

Memory Foam Mattress May 11th, 2004

       I stare out the wooden slats of my window blinds that leave long lit wedges of streetlamp light across my crisp duvet. Turning onto my side, I edge away from the watermarks splashed like scars across my pillowcase. The evidence of tears disappears easily enough, but this bed was once it’s own world. Our love foraged a universe that encased us in these sheets. Where everything was ours and nothing could touch us.
       If I look close enough, would the memory foam mattress form fossils in the shapes of the beginning, when we were entwined lovers, never wanting to be apart... Or are the only imprints the bed could reveal now of feeling heavy with weight along it’s edges, vast cold empty sheets and unspoken words stretched across the distance between our two backs.                
      Sometimes I feel like knowing you was the dream. Each day it gets harder for me to remember. Morning comes and the reality of our existence seems more like a story I've read years ago, or a movie made about tragic lovers. Every day I scramble to catch the wisps and fragments of you. The feelings and the words and the touch that was you and me
and in that flash of the certainty of our love, life, and time together time seemed to fill up all space and conquer all things. I lay here trying to grasp the memory of your voice, your smile, your touch. It's always present here, lingering, waiting for me to reach out and take hold of the pieces. The ghosts never come close enough; will never be real enough, for me to hold again.    
       But, like all things majestic and infinite, even love gets further away over time. Deadened by the void, diluted with emptiness, masked by other lifetimes passing over. Tomorrow you will be even further.  Even more impossible to reach. Like dreams on foggy mornings. Until at last, not forgotten, but tucked away, in dreams is only where I'll find you. You 
and that love. The love that once filled up this place where I now lay my head down to sleep, only in search of you to hold on to. Our love. And in our short precious time together, it was majestic and infinite, above all things. 
         The mornings I wake up feeling peaceful and calm, I know that night as I slept my heart transcended time and space and some how, some small way I was with you...and I wake up happy.


  1. i came across your blog tonight and wanted to tell you that are a wonderful writer. you write with so much emotion - it is clearly your gift. i wish you well in your recovery. xo.

  2. I just wanted to comment and say that I truly love reading your blog. There are a few blogs that I follow but I can honestly say that yours is the only one I find myself checking on every couple of days just to see if there is a new post. Please continue to write. You have a wonderful gift. I not sure if PR is still your dream and I'm sure you're very good at it but writing is obviously what you were meant to do.

  3. Ladies, these kind words really mean a lot to me. I've just been released after a 6 week stay in the hospital, so I haven't written in for ever. I was thinking people have probably forgotten about my blog all together!
    Means a lot :) thanks for being encouraging!